Across

There has been dark days. Days where all I wanted to do was find somewhere I could hide and be away. Away from everything. A dark bubble I could climb into where there was no phones or computers or kids or light or sound or anything; that I could zip up and just be gone until everything was back to normal and okay again. Not that I really knew what normal was. I just knew this wasn't normal.

Everything sent me over the edge. I tried desperately to control everything on the outside while inside I was falling apart. Nothing I could do ever felt like it was enough because there was always someone else who needed me and I wasn't allowed to need anyone. I held it together during the day but at night when I was alone I'd cry. Cry that I had to do this over and over again tomorrow. It was hopeless, I'd always feel like this, always be a hamster in a wheel doing the same things; never getting any further ahead with anything. I'd cry that I had to keep it all together for the kids during the day. Then night would come and so would the tears. I couldn't stop them. I'd shake with deep sobs, my face buried in my hands so the walls wouldn't see me cry.

Dawn would come and bring a new day full of promise. With it would come the darkness I had fought the day before. I'd continue on with my day with a smile on my face, pushing down the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness until I could ignore it no more. I knew my grey days were becoming dark days. I also knew that one day I wouldn't be able to claw my way out from the darkness anymore.

I got assertive and told people what I needed. At first it was stuff like, "turn your socks right side out before putting them in the laundry". Now, with the help of my husband and friends and a really terrific cognitive therapist, I can look back at those days and while I still remember what it feels like, I'm not there. I've come to the other side of depression. The side where I'm able to recognize how I'm feeling and clearly say what help I need.

I actually feel joy again. I feel like I can be happy, really happy. Almost like I've rediscovered whatever it was I misplaced back in the winter. And it feels so good. Because I've certainly missed being happy and I think my family has missed me.