So, yes, Kyle's 6 months old and I'm six months away from being completely free from breastfeeding, pregnancy, hormones, labor, baby books, choosing a name, baby food, diapers... well, not diapers but that will come soon enough! I am done having children. Never have I felt it as strongly as I do at this moment. I have no doubt that 3 is the perfect number for me. It's been partially imposed on me since Craig has made sure to tell me that he will not be making any more babies, but also I know in my deepest thoughts that there are no more babies. And I'm okay with that. No, I'm great with that.
I had a brief - what shall we call it - waver, I guess, back when I was around 6 months pregnant with Kyle. Craig had always said that we could have as many kids as I wanted as long as we could financially support all of them. In my head I was thinking 5 but was only brave enough to chuckle about having 4 in front of him. I had all these schemes up my sleeve on how we were going to pay for this or that because I truly believed I was meant to be a mum to a brood of children. We were blessed with the ability to have children and have them turn out healthy (well, Ian's a complete nutball but that's for another post!) so who are we to decide when enough is enough. We are responsible parents, that's who. I'm positive we'd be able to continue to be financially secure with another child in the house, heck, another 2, even. But we'd be strapped and the kids would eat a lot of oatmeal and ham sandwiches and pasta. We'd never be able to do half of the things we've promised ourselves we will do with our kids and we certainly don't want to live like that. Three is a perfect number.
Do you know how I know? Well, I'll tell ya. I know because putting away the baby stuff as Kyle outgrows it doesn't make me sad. I'm washing it and removing all the stains just like I'd be using it on another baby, and folding it carefully before placing it into the bin, but then the bin is making its way to another family and all I can do is think about how cute their little guy will be in all those outfits. I'm taking pictures of the crib all put together because it'll be sold when Kyle's done using it. When something is put away I make sure the instructions are with it and package it all neatly so the eventual garage sale goes off without a hitch. Every milestone that Kyle reaches is really and truly the very last time I will see one of my babies do that for the first time, and that makes me happy. I have so many other milestones to look forward to that I can't even begin to feel sad about what I'm leaving behind.
It's like people hoarding things in their house because of the memories attached to them. The stuffed pig from the carnival that your dead uncle won for you playing Wack-A-Mole is not your uncle. The memory of your uncle will not disappear when the stuffed pig is gone. Same with the crib, the Moses Basket (oh, how I love that basket), the tiny newborn slippers, the Nuk soothers, the basket of washclothes beside the rocking chair to wipe spit up from nighttime feeds; it's all memories but it's also all stuff.
I feel lighter already having put away the playpen from the living room. Kyle's sturdy enough to sit without toppling now and the rest of the family has gotten quite used to him being around so there's not much risk of him being trampled. Not as much as when he was a newborn and Ian had only been walking for 3 months, anyway. The playpen, while it was great to use as a change station, it ended up collecting a lot of things that didn't belong in there once Kyle didn't nap in it anymore.
Back when I was still in high school I remember this radio program where they'd challenge a caller to find a secret item in their junk drawer. The item would be revealed on air while the caller was on hold and then they had to name off everything in their junk drawer within a time limit to win a prize. I have a junk drawer, believe it or not, and it's chockablock full of junk. So full that the playpen became my second junk drawer for things that were too big to fit in the official one. I would kick ass at that game if it were still on the air.
Hmm, funny, I started this post with all these thoughts in my head of how to update it for Kyle's semi-annual and I've succeeded at doing everything but.
He went for his shots and check up this morning:
Weight - a hefty 18 pounds, 14 ounces
Height - 27 1/2 inches long (tall?)
In comparison, Shaun was 1 and a half pounds lighter and Ian was 2 pounds lighter at the same age. Kyle's the size the other two were at 9 months old. The other two are beanpoles so it's going to interesting to see what happens to Kyle as he grows and becomes more active. I think he's going to have a Martin face but Jambor body structure, whereas Shaun and Ian look moreso like me and are lanky like Craig was as a kid. I tease Craig that he was skinny because he was malnourished and ate strawberry milkshakes (milk with a big scoop of strawberry jam stirred in) and raw hotdogs every day of the week.
1 comment:
Michelle - you hit the nail beautifully on the head - it's exactly how you feel when your done. I also agree - facially, Kyle doesn't seem to look anything like you, but the older 2 are like your own little mini-me's. I love how that happens!
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