Back At Goal

YAY! I'm back at goal! It was a few months but I did it. I haven't officially weighed in yet but this Wednesday coming I will. I'm actually looking forward to it for a change.

Shaun's been doing some really funny things lately. A couple of weeks ago when he got up in the morning his socks were falling off. He told me that his socks were mushy! Last week he had pop, a lot of it, from McDonalds. At his first taste he said the pop was spicy and you know, when you think about the bubbles popping, it would taste kind of spicy to a kid. Then 2 days ago Shaun and I were in Cambridge Centre watching the zamboni clean the ice. Later when we walked by again, the zamboni was gone and Shaun asked me where the man who was mowing the ice had gone. I was just thinking a few weeks ago that Shaun hadn't said too many cute toddler things until I really started listening to him.

My First RE Visit

Must have been an evaporation line I saw last week because I got my period right on time Tuesday night. I was really hoping we'd go see Dr. Powers and be pregnant. But at least we have a plan now. If, come the new year I'm still not pregnant, then I'll start on Clomid to try and shorten my cycles. Clomid has the risk of cysts and also of multiples but we're not too worried about that - we just want a baby.

I also got an ultrasound at the RE and I actually got to see my polycystic ovaries. The unruptured follicles (I think that's what they're called) were black circles all over my ovaries. According to Dr. Powers, PCO does increase the risk of miscarriage but it's unknown the reason why and there's no way to cure PCO. We just have to hope that the next pregnancy turns out okay.

He reassured me that my risk for a third miscarriage is only a bit higher than it was for the second and my retroflexed uterus has nothing to do with the miscarriages or the long time to get pregnant. That's just how my body is. I still have a 70% chance of carrying the next baby to term, which is pretty good.

So we just keep trying...

I have a new contract with KW Hab. It's Tuesday and Thursday 8:45-10:45 up at Lakeshore Co-Op in Waterloo. I've never worked in a co-op centre before but I love the format and I've only been there 2 weeks. Each parent has such an interest in the program, the space and the kids. It's so nice to see! I'm working on Craig allowing me to send Shaun 1 morning a week. Wow, that'd be so cool. Actually maybe I should utilize the free programs at the Early Years Centre and the library. We don't exactly have extra money these days to put towards nursery school.

The carpets got cleaned yesterday and they look so good! I'm really happy with the job Rob did and we'll certainly have him back to do the basement eventually. Maybe when the next baby is born.

I've completely started over with Weight Watchers. I gained 10 pounds this summer and unless I lose that weight, I won't have any fall clothes to wear. I went out and bought a digital food scale and I'm committed to tracking... everything! Assuming I don't get pregnant until I start the Clomid (and I'm pretty positive I won't), that gives me 3 1/2 months to lose weight. I have to lose 10 but I'd love to lose 15 or even 20. I don't think 20 would be easily maintainable but 15 would be. That'd bring me down to 150. Wow, now that I put that in writing it makes it feel not so far away AND it seems within my reach. Plis, I did it before Shaun was born so absolutely I can do it again. No problem!

I made the WW soup a few days ago and I've been having that, about 1 cup, each day. And adding 2T parmesan on top. Yummy. That along with my food scale, staying within my pointsand tracking, the 15 pounds should come off no problem. YAY! I'm feeling so positive about this whole thing now. I guess that's why WW encourages us to write down our goals and our strategies to achieve these goals. So these are my strategies:

• I will stay within my points target by weighing and measuring all of my food
• I will keep track of everything
• I will drink 2 of my exercise bottles of water each day
• I will attend the meeting every week
• Once I return to goal I will weigh in at every meeting to help me stay on track

So, on that note, Shaun and I are going on a walk today to Walmart and Dollarama to pick up various things. If I expect him to be healthy I need to be too!

Another One??

I don't think I quite believe it but I took a test this morning and there was a freakin' line there! It was oh, so faint and I don't even know if Craig would be able to see it, but I did. I know it's there. And it has colour. I carried it around in my purse all day and pulled it out while stopped at traffic lights. It's there. I'm just terrified because I'm 13DPO. The line should be darker by now! Our appointment with the RE is on Wednesday so I'm going to take another on Wednesday morning. A digital so I know for sure.

I've been feeling crampy, like my period is going to come, for a couple of days. But this morning my temp was us; way up. Cautiously optimistic I suppose. A May baby would be amazing! Well, actually any baby would be amazing. At this point I seriously don't care when it's born.

So that's it. I'm pregnant again. 13DPO with a really faint line. I wonder - does it make a difference that the test is designed to be used only once you've missed your period? Maybe I implanted late so there's not enough hCG yet. Whatever. I'll certainly know by Wednesday morning. I think I'm going to die waiting.

The girls on BabyCenter are going to have kittens!!

Heartbreak #2

We've been busy lately and I've been distracted so my entries have sort of fallen by the wayside.

I lost the baby. July 26 I was getting the oil changed on the van and when I got home I was spotting. I called Dr. McKinnon right away but I inevitably miscarried the following day. It was so hard!! And I don't think I've even been so sad in my whole life. Melissa helped a lot with Shaun and Dr. McKinnon even sent a card in the mail.

Our plan of telling all the family wasn't as thrilling as we were expecting but everyone was sympathetic. Turns out that my Aunt Helen had a bunch of miscarriages before she got pregnant with Sydney and another one before Hayley. It's sort of a silent wound that women carry around and only reveal when someone else is going through the same thing.

We heard on the weekend that Karen and Jay are expecting their first. She's due only about a week after I would have been. At least we don't see them often because that would be a constant painful reminder. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that they are growing their family but I want to be doing that too!

I'm waiting to hear back from Susan regarding a new contract that is due to start next week. But I don't know any details about it yet.

"I'm Going To Be a Big Brother!"

I'm still on this cloud of disbelief that I'm pregnant again. We tried for so long (14 months) and it finally happened. The best part is that it's looking like this baby is going to stick around! I knew that the chance of me miscarrying again was no greater this time but I'm feeling much more vulnerable just because it happened. I keep forgetting to take belly photos too. I need to get on top of that immediately. It's just so cool to look back at those photos of Shaun; I need to have them for this baby too.

I was feeling very anxious on Friday because I'm not feeling pregnant like I thought I should be. So I took a test and it showed up as a bright pink positive right away! I was so relieved but I'm still cautious. This morning was actually the very first morning that I felt a tiny bit of morning sickness, and that was so nice. Honestly. I've already dug through the maternity clothes and worn a couple of outfits. I haven't gained any weight - and don't plan to for the first trimester - but the before and after stuff fits so great and is so comfortable. And hey, I have an excuse now: I'm growing a baby!

I made it to the doctor last Wednesday. Dr. McKinnon couldn't do an exam because he had hurt his back but I got a blood test and an ultrasound. The u/s is a week from today so I'll be 6 1/2 weeks, hopefully far enough to see the heartbeat well. But Dr. McKinnon dated me last Wednesday as being 6 1/2 weeks. It'll be interesting to see at the u/s who's right. hehe!

So I bought a shirt for Shaun today and decorated it with "I'm Going To Be A Big Brother!" I think we'll put it on Shaun when we tell both families. I think because we're waiting to share the news, I'm super excited. This is so much more suspensful and enjoyable than simply making a phone call.

So guess what? Shaun's almost potty trained! I can hardly believe it myself! He stands on a stool at the big toilet to pee and does it every time (no accidents). I don't even know what it was that finally got him to pee but it's like Shaun just decided one day that he was done with diapers. He still wears them at naptime and, of course, at night but will go all day and stay dry. We just need to keep on top of him and take him to the bathroom. He's told us a couple of times that he needs to pee but 90% of the time it's us that initiate the trip. He gets 5 Smarties for peeing and has gummie treats for when he poos. He still hasn't poo'd in the potty but has sat on it twice, right after a poo, and we gave him the gummies just to reinforce the poo idea. He actually poo'd in the garden today! I just had to laugh so hard. Poor guy was so surprised to see poo coming out his butt.

Hmm, what else has he been up to? Well, he walks down stairs standing up now, and can even do it without holding onto anything. That's pretty neat. His speech is equivalent to that of probably a 3 year old. The only sounds he struggles with are "th" and "v" and words like snack and snake he drops the "s". I hope they sort themselves out on their own, because I don't know how OHIP or Craig's insurance would work for speech therapy.

I still can't believe I'm pregnant. Eek!!

It Worked!!

Well, we finally did it! I'm pregnant. I was honestly beginning to wonder if it would ever happen again. I'm still feeling a little bit of disbelief because I was sure we'd missed the timing this month because of Canada Day weekend. Obviously not. But I've certainly been able to realx a bit more.

I'm feeling so different from when I got pregnant with Shaun. No morning sickness at all but my boobs are huge and tingly. Plus, I'm tired and feeling sort of bloated and full.

I took some dollar store tests last week that showed lines but they were so faint I didn't believe them. I've gotten evaporation lines before so I never thought I was pregnant. But yesterday when we got home from the cottage I took another dollar store test and there was certainly a line. Right away I went to Shoppers and bought 2 quality tests. Sure enough, there was a line!

I'll call Dr. McKinnon this morning and see if I can get a blood draw and early ultrasound. After losing the baby in the fall I just want to make sure everything's okay. Then, in 3 weeks when we go to the family reunion at the cottage we'll tell my family. Get this, it's an awesome way to tell everyone, too. I'll just wear a normal white shirt but attach one of those car signs that says Baby On Board. They'll know right away. We'll do the same for Craig's parents. It was so hard not saying anything to Craig's sister last night when I saw her. So hopefully I'll get in to see the doctor this week.

Wow! And all that awesome maternity stuff from Melissa, the neighbour, will finally be used! My mind is racing. It'll go so fast. I'm so excited that another baby is finally on the way!

To Call or Not to Call

I never did call the doctor last week. I sort of mentioned Dr. Powers to Craig a few days ago and he wasn't opposed... I'm calling this week for sure. I don't know if I'll make an actual appointment yet but at least I'll know how long the wait is...

Two and a half weeks until I ovulate.

One Year

I'm back at the beginning of my cycle yet again. It's been a year! What's happening here?! I decided over the weekend to phone Dr. Power's office today. He's the doctor Craig and I went to see before getting pregnant with Shaun. I'm just feeling like I really need some answers. Hopefully they'll come soon.

He Sings!

I just can't seem to keep the smell of cat litter out of the house. YUCK! I'm sitting in the bathroom in the basement and that's all I can smell. Eww!

So much has happened with Shaun recently. I only hope I can remember it all. He just started singing this week; like really singing. All the songs I've been singing to him since he's been born are surfacing. He's even started requesting specific songs. The Wheels on the Bus he's been asking for for at least a month, and Shaun sang Twinkle Twinkle for Craig a couple of weeks ago. But within the past 3 or 4 days he's been singing ABC, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Chicka Boom, Bubbles, and just last night learned Row Your Boat and Hush Little Baby. I don't want him to grow anymore; he's perfect just the way he is. Once he gets bigger he'll become more independent and less of a little man. It's so sad that I can't control it!

Just a couple of days ago Craig and I started Shaun on a multi-vitamin and Enfapro, which is a formula designed for toddlers. Our plan is to add a couple scoops of powder to one cup of milk a day to try and boost Shaun's caloric intake. Last weekend he went 3 days without eating because he had a really high fever (40.2 C at it's highest; that's 104.5 F!). By Tuesday his fever was gone but he had a terrible sinus infection. No snot but very conjested. Maybe that's why he had the fever? That happened a few weeks ago too, and again just before he went to mum and dad's in March. The one a few weeks ago was from his MMR vaccine which is known to cause fever 7-10 days after immunization. It seems that when he gets a fever, it's not 100 or even 101. It's always close to 104. That's a little scary but now that we know his fevers are always high, I'll be less inclined to seriously worry in the future. It's just bad because when he does get these fevers he doesn't eat. If Shaun had some fat stores I wouldn't be concerned but since he's already so skinny going without food for even a day isn't good! He absolutely loves the formula though so hopefully it'll help him gain just a little bit of weight.

So I really want to start a scrapbook. I've seen stuff at Dollarama, Walmart and Zellers, along with the scrapbooking stores. Once we have some money I'll get started... *sigh*

Well, that's about it for updates. Shaun's in his big boy bed now and loves it. The transition was so easy! But putting all the baby stuff away was harder than I thought it was going to be. Oh well, I can only hope that we'll be dragging it all out again very soon!

A Golfing Date

Shaun's at mum and dad's for the weekend. We're going there Saturday and staying overnight then cooking brunch on Sunday while they're at their meeting. I have a few plans: vacuum the van, touch up the paint on the baseboards, buy Shaun's mattress and finish setting up his room. Then Craig and I are going golfing on Saturday. It's going to be a terrific weekend.

Craig and I had a great talk yesterday before he left for work. It started with the budget and moved into our growing family. We haven't talked like that for a long time. Now that I'm with KW Hab until the end of June, we'll have a bit more flex in the bodget but we're still going to aim to have $100 or so go on the mortgage the next 2 months.

SoftCup?

I discovered a new product that I used this month. It's called the Instead SoftCup and is designed for women who have their period. Similar to a diaphragm, the cup actually holds the sperm up against the cervix and gives them a boost of sorts. I got them at Shoppers and got 6 in the box for $4.99. Hopefully they worked. If my period hasn't shown up by next Friday I'll take a test. Hey, I found pregnancy tests at Dollarama last month! What's up with that? I don't think they're so much pee on a stick, but for a dollar? Can't go wrong.

Craig brought Shaun into the backyard this morning to play in the sand. I'm sad I missed it! Oh well, Craig misses stuff too...

I got hired at KW Hab last week, now I just need a contract. My boss, Susan, didn't think I'd have to wait long. We'll see...

Big Boy Bed

The neighbours loaned us their toddler bed for a few weeks before Shaun gets his single bed from Mum and Dad. We set it up this afternoon (with Shaun's help of course) and I put Shaun to bed in it tonight. He got out of bed 9 times, which I was expecting, but I just sat on the top step and kept putting him back in. The first few times I'd say "it's bed time Shaun, this is your bed". Then I wouldn't say anything at all just laid him back in bed. After 5 or 6 times he was climbing back in on his own once he'd see me at the stairs. I checked on his every 5 minutes or so and he was laying at the wrong end, but seemed happy. He got up one more time after that and I tucked him back in and turned off the nightlight. He was quiet for 15 or 20 minutes before Craig heard him fussing. So Craig went upstairs to see, gave Shaun Ted, who had falled off the bed, and Shaun went right to sleep! We actually kept the crib assembled in case we needed it to contain Shaun, but this bed thing worked way better than we thought it would. Now we just need to get through the one nap tomorrow and we're home free.

Yup, that's right. One nap. It's time. It has been for a while. What did it for me was that twice this week Shaun didn't fall asleep until after 9PM. Those were the 2 days he had a second nap in the late afternoon. Late afternoon because he's not tired until 4 or 4:30 when he has a morning nap. So we're cutting out one nap... It's so amazing to look back at his schedule from 18 months ago. He's getting so big!

Oh man, and Shaun's talking so much! Repeating everything we say, linking 3 and 4 words together and using sentences. "Daddy outside. Boo-Boo outside too". His first complete sentence was March 7 (18 1/2 months old). We were watching a front end loader in the parking lot here and that afternoon he told me all about it: "big truck move snow". I almost cried I was so proud of him. The only thing I really really hope is that I can keep track of all these incredible milestones for the next baby. All I can do is try my best I suppose.

Tax Season

Really, nothing's new around here. The last 3 weekends we've gone to Kitchener market for our meat and produce. I think it's going to make a huge difference in our grocery budget. Just today we bought everything we needed and still only spent $40 of the $60 set aside for the market. Hopefully today wasn't just a fluke.

Shaun's been spending one weekend a month with Mum and Dad. Three or 4 days at a time. The last time he was there Mum bought him a whole new spring/summer wardrobe! And she called yesterday to tell me she bought him a spring coat too. Wow!

We've already decided what we're going to use our tax refund on. We're getting around $1200 and a few hundred will buy Craig and I some desperately needed clothes and shoes, the remainder will go on the mortgage. We're under $30000 now, baby!

Do You Cry When You Laugh?

Shaun just did the cutest thing while I was getting dinner ready. I was making myself a turkey sandwich. Of course, I was talking to Shaun about what I was putting on the sandwich as I always do. He was sitting in his highchair eating whatever I had made him and he piped up "turkey, gobble gobble". I laughed so hard I cried! Obviously us talking to him and saying animal noises is sinking in.

THEN after dinner I put him on the floor and he lets out a huge burp! He says "burp, 'su me, sorry" and so heartfelt too! What a ham-bone.

AND just a minute ago while I'm trying to write this post, he's driving his cement truck around the living room. I was basically ignoring him so he came over to me and drove the truck on my leg saying "up up up, down". And then when the truck would hit the floor he'd say "oh no". I think I need to go play with this kid!!

A Big Project

Craig and I have been working steadily for the past 5 or 6 days building a closet at the end of the hallway upstairs. I finally finished it last night. The only 2 things left to do are put quarter-round at the ceiling and shave a bit off the door so it closes completely. It looks incredible and I'm so proud; it was a pretty big project.

Shaun's at my parents for the weekend again so we can celebrate our anniversary tomorrow (skiing and then dinner). Shaun's been using 2 words more often; saying things like: all done, downstairs, hockey stick/puck, happy goak (the happy goat in his Duck in the Truck book). My guess is that he'll be talking in sentences before he's 20 months old.

Two Words

Shaun's been talking so much. On Sunday he said 2 words for the first time "bye Poppy" and Craig's dad was leaving. And the very next day Shaun did it again, "Bye Daddy" as Craig was leaving for work. He'll be talking in sentences very soon.

Craig and I can't even keep up with the new words he learns; they come so often. Shaun's behaviour has improved so much too. He's happy and co-operative 90% of the time. I don't know if he was expressing his need for autonomy or if it was a frustration over language; whatever it was we muddled through and it's so much better now.

We Begin Again

I was saying to Craig last night that getting my period this time has been the easiest of all so far. I think it's because I've been keeping track of my temperature and it never showed nice high pregnancy temperatures. Plus we didn't connect enough around my ovulation day. So, on to next month we go and I'm okay with that. Hey, it means I'll get to buy more maternity clothes because I'll be pregnant in a new season!

Shaun's leaving Thursday after lunch to spend a few days with my parents. We'll go there for dinner on Sunday to pick him up. I'm going to miss him so bad but it'll be good for all of us. I have a big list of things to pack for him but I'm sure he's going to really love the visit with them. He'll even get to go to church with them on Thursday and Sunday. That'll be fun.

Tomorrow night Shaun's swimming lessons start. He's in the duck class from 7-7:30. I'm pretty excited for it. Craig took Shaun out in the parking lot yesterday to play hockey. He made Shaun his own little hockey stick and everything! Shaun's figuring out how to use it slowly. I've really been struggling with Shaun's behaviour lately. He's been pretty whiney and clingy. Craig and I talked and realized I need to be firmer with Shaun. It seems to be working so far. Shaun's behavious has improved slightly and hopefully it'll only continue to get better.

I was at the neighbours' briefly yesterday and they aren't using their gates anymore! Their son Bailey is a month younger that Shaun and is going up and down the stairs on his own. We're going to start the same for Shaun. That's scary... stairs on his own at 16 months!!

Heartbreak #1

It's only been a week but so much has happened. Last Monday afternoon I took Shaun for a chest x-ray because his cough isn't going away. The technicial asked me if I was pregnant, and even offered for me to take a test. But I lied and told her I had taken a test that morning (even though I hadn't) and it was negative. Well, Wednesday morning I decided to take my last pregnancy test on a hunch. I still don't know why; it was mid-morning and I had been feeling period cramps for days. I was so surprised when a big pink + showed up. Right away I felt sick to my stomach; I was pregnant when I was with Shaun for his x-ray!!

Craig wanted to wait until we talked to Dr. McKinnon Thursday morning before telling anyone. How did he know to wait? Shaun had his 15-month app't Thursday morning and I had one to go over my testerone blood test results. Well, the nurse had me do a urine sample and she dipped to check for pregnancy. I could tell by her face when she came back in the room, that it wasn't good news.

She told us the test said I wasn't pregnant and that there was a lot of blood in the sample too. By the time Dr. McKinnon came in to talk to us I had already started miscarrying. Even though we had just found out the day before and I honestly didn't feel pregnant, I was still destroyed wiht guilt. I kept thinking of the x-ray killing our baby! I've realized something through all my research on miscarriage though: I was having symptoms of miscarriage on the weekend; before the x-ray. I had period cramps and an ache in my lower back. Then very early Thursday morning I awoke with dark spotting. I also read on the internet that most often a miscarriage will begin at least a week after a baby dies. That means that on Monday already I wasn't pregnant anymore. I know in my heart that I didn't cause this miscarriage. Whatever it was, it's best that it happened because we have no idea how the x-ray would have affected a healthy baby. I read it could cause cancer, extra or missing digits, heart malformations or even death.

I wasn't even feeling pregnant at all so I know I couldn't have done anything to prevent this. Even if I had taken a test on Monday and even if it had come out positive, I know that everything would have still happened the same way. But it still really hurts that a baby died inside me. But my testosterone test was way normal. That's fabulous! It means that we just haven't been catching the egg; until this month of course!

And Shaun's x-ray showed right frontal lobs pneumonia but we're waiting to give him antibiotics because he seems to be getting better on his own.

I Think It Was a Bust

I'm 99% sure I'm not pregnant this cycle only I haven't gotten my period yet. Last cycle it was day 48, the couple before that were around 35 and 43. It's so hard to know! And I'm being really objective this time around and I don't have any symptoms. I'm not tired, have no nausea, I've been peeing only as much as I was before; even though it's time to test I refuse to waste one. If I was feeling more pregnant then for sure.

We just got home from spending the weekend at my parents. Steve and Tamrah were there and Tara and Wes came for Sunday. It was so much fun with the whole house so busy and full. It's going to be really quiet for mum and dad tonight! Shaun was incredible all weekend. He ate well, slept great and behaved incredibly! Considering all the terrible things he's been dealing with lately: an awful cough, aggressive rash, strained ankle, bruise on the cheek from a closet door, sore tongue and various bonks on the head, it was as if nothing was wrong.

I'm seeing Dr. McKinnon on Thursday for Shaun's 15-month check up and we'll go over my latest test results.

My Chatterbox

Oh my goodness, Shaun's talking so much! He has so many words I think I've lost count. For a long time he would do a lot of mimicking or he'd only say words when we prompted him. Now, if he sees something that he knows the name of, he says it. It's so incredible to hear him learn so fast!

Okay, let me think for a moment. He knows the sounds for: lion, aligator, cat, dog, snake, duck. And we're trying to teach him bird, mouse, cow and monkey (that one's Craig's idea).

But words that he says without prompting:
baby (bebe)
Ted (nah)
shoe (soo-ee)
sock (saah)
light (it-eh)
more (me)
nummy
banana (nana)
duck (cack)
cat (he meows)
dog (he woofs)
Mummy
Daddy
story (so-we)
bath (bah)
done (nah)

Oh man, I'm sure there's more. I didn't even have to think about that list. Vacuum is another (cum). He and I were stopped at traffic lights the other day and there was a lady on the sidewalk walking with a dog and a baby in a stroller. Not only did Shaun woof for the dog but he said baby too! How did he know?? I remember how surprised I was to see the 14 month old in Walmart when Shaun was 2 months say baby. Now that kid is Shaun! YAY!

I've been diligently charting my BBT and it appears that 3 days ago I ovulated. That's why I started charting: to see if I was ovulating. And it appears that I am. Soo, maybe this is our month? It HAS to happen eventually right?