This post is really difficult and I'm not entirely convinced I should be doing it but it's a first step of many to make life for me and my family better.
I accessed a counsellor yesterday through Craig's Employee Assistance Program. I'm just feeling completely overwhelmed. I'm anxious and agitated over everything and can't seem to find any stable ground to get my bearings on. I don't know if it's still because I'm in the post partum period or if it's because I'm genuinely stretched to my max. I feel like everyone is waiting for me to drop all these balls I'm juggling and balancing and that's why this is so difficult to come out and post.
I don't fail. At anything.
Dropping even one ball would be a catastrophic failure in my eyes. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I even reached out to someone beyond myself for help.
I don't do that. Ever.
But I know in order to get past this place where I feel like I'm stuck, I have to accept that not everything is in my control. And a ball drops.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
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5 comments:
Oh Michelle, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You went through so much with Kyle in the beginning that you may not have really ackowledged that stress, trying to be the great mom that you are. I understand all too well how you feel. I really think you've done the right thing making that huge leap to access a counsellor. It's the hardest thing on earth, admitting that you're not coping as well as you feel you should, and asking for help.
I would also access a doctor. While it can be the post partum period playing havoc with your hormones, I would see what your thyroid levels look like. Post partum thyroiditis is so often overlooked in the post partum period. It can make you feel depressed, overwhelmed and angry. For those of us who take pride in our ability to stay in control, I think a medical diagnosis such as that can be a relief, and not a burden.
Take care of yourself, OK. A healthy mom means a healthy family. You'll work through this, and get on top of everything again.
Aww Michelle, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. 3 young kids is tough, no if, ands, or buts about it. (LOL...my kids would say "ha ha, you said butt!). I've been there. It's great you're seeking help, that is huge. Is there anyone that can help you by watching the kids while you have a nap, or go to the store alone, or just go out for a walk to refresh and re-group? It's hard to admit we need a break from the kids (I'm the biggest for being guilty about that), but for our own sanity we really do.
Hugs to you.
Thanks for stopping by and telling me I'm not the only perfectionist out there who's bothered by relatively little things in the grand scheme of things. I hope I can get one of the lights moved, but if not, I'm sure I'll survive. Soon I'll be too sleep-deprived to give a damn anyhow.
Sorry you're having such a rough time these days. I don't honestly know how you do it all the way you do. Every post I see from you on FB makes it sound like you're running at 110% from morning till night, doing EVERYTHING for the kids, hanging out with friends. It's like you're superwoman. You've got two kiddies so close in age, and an older one who also needs lots of attention. Something's going to have to slip! Is there any way you can get some help in for the cleaning for a couple of months till things are more settled? Or hire some neighbourhood teen to keep an eye on the boys for a couple hours once or twice a week so that you can get other stuff done without interruption?
I hope things setlle down for you soon. With the raging hormones and newborn-period sleep deprivation, and carring so much on your own shoulders, I'm not surprised you're feeling overwhelmed. Maybe DH needs to pick up a couple things from you for a little while. I'm sure he's working hard, but it really does sound like you need someone to take the load off you just a little bit more.
Hugs!
Michelle - I too am a perfectionist and it nearly killed me I could not get pregnant. And you were an intrigle part of me being able to accept that I can suck at something.
I like you could not and would not fail. And it drove me nuts. I have since taken a more laid back approach and it helps.
I hope you find your peace. You are an incredible woman and have already shown the world that. Now take a step back and put some of that stuff down, take some time for you. You are no less of a person, a wife, a friend or a mother for doing that.
And there is no shame in seeking help. I did that with our infertility and I did that with pp and I am glad I did. I wish I was closer so I could come take some of the burden but for now I will just lend you my virtual shoulder.
3 Little ones is a lot to handle for anyone. Good for you for realizing you need help! I'm sure you're doing 10 times better than I ever would! Hang in there!
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