Heartbreak #1

It's only been a week but so much has happened. Last Monday afternoon I took Shaun for a chest x-ray because his cough isn't going away. The technicial asked me if I was pregnant, and even offered for me to take a test. But I lied and told her I had taken a test that morning (even though I hadn't) and it was negative. Well, Wednesday morning I decided to take my last pregnancy test on a hunch. I still don't know why; it was mid-morning and I had been feeling period cramps for days. I was so surprised when a big pink + showed up. Right away I felt sick to my stomach; I was pregnant when I was with Shaun for his x-ray!!

Craig wanted to wait until we talked to Dr. McKinnon Thursday morning before telling anyone. How did he know to wait? Shaun had his 15-month app't Thursday morning and I had one to go over my testerone blood test results. Well, the nurse had me do a urine sample and she dipped to check for pregnancy. I could tell by her face when she came back in the room, that it wasn't good news.

She told us the test said I wasn't pregnant and that there was a lot of blood in the sample too. By the time Dr. McKinnon came in to talk to us I had already started miscarrying. Even though we had just found out the day before and I honestly didn't feel pregnant, I was still destroyed wiht guilt. I kept thinking of the x-ray killing our baby! I've realized something through all my research on miscarriage though: I was having symptoms of miscarriage on the weekend; before the x-ray. I had period cramps and an ache in my lower back. Then very early Thursday morning I awoke with dark spotting. I also read on the internet that most often a miscarriage will begin at least a week after a baby dies. That means that on Monday already I wasn't pregnant anymore. I know in my heart that I didn't cause this miscarriage. Whatever it was, it's best that it happened because we have no idea how the x-ray would have affected a healthy baby. I read it could cause cancer, extra or missing digits, heart malformations or even death.

I wasn't even feeling pregnant at all so I know I couldn't have done anything to prevent this. Even if I had taken a test on Monday and even if it had come out positive, I know that everything would have still happened the same way. But it still really hurts that a baby died inside me. But my testosterone test was way normal. That's fabulous! It means that we just haven't been catching the egg; until this month of course!

And Shaun's x-ray showed right frontal lobs pneumonia but we're waiting to give him antibiotics because he seems to be getting better on his own.