The realization came to me while I was sitting in a worn patio chair watching leaves on a Japanese maple shudder as each gust of wind whisked past. First one leaf would twitch and very soon the whole branch was moving; each leaf being affected by the one before, long after the wind died.
I've really been having a hard time with Shaun lately. His attitude has been downright awful, he's been getting into fights with his friends (not physical but sometimes words are just as hurtful), he's been disrespectful to pretty much everyone including me and his brothers and both of his close friends, and seems to have come to the conclusion that he rules the roost around here because he's been breaking rules like they don't exist. People have jokingly said to me that it only gets worse but I never, ever imagined it would even reach this point. I mean, he's not even 6!
Shaun's been spending quite a lot of time with a little guy from down the street who is his age but in a different kindergarten class at the same school. At the outset I was thrilled that Shaun and he seemed to get along so well. They'd swap houses; spending one morning playing outside here and the following there. This little guy's parents seemed great and he has 2 older sisters who have always been polite and helpful when I see them around the park or on the school yard. I was a little irked that Bradley didn't seem to have any manners, though. Afterall, everyone knows it isn't polite to show up at someone's door and ask to be let inside to play. You wait to be invited inside. Please and thank-you were obviously missing from his vocabulary unless he was reminded. He wore shoes in my house once and I nearly threw him outside. But the biggest thing that bothered me was the way he let Shaun speak to him. Shaun was downright mean and nasty and if I was Bradley I would have punched Shaun right in the mouth. Shaun preaches all the time about Bradley being a bully, meanwhile it's Shaun who's manipulating by calling Bradley a wimp and saying things like, "give me that silly band or I won't be your friend anymore."
I thought this was what girls did? Aren't boys only supposed to fight about who threw the ball further or who climbed to the top of the climber the fastest?
Craig and I have both had to intervene and send Bradley home when things seemed to get out of control. We've each spoken to Shaun at length about what it means to be a good friend and we've grounded him from playing with Bradley for days on end. Nothing seems to work because within an hour of them being together, Shaun's coming home upset that Bradley won't do what he wants or we're having to mediate something here. Bradley's mom says Bradley never comes home upset about what happens here and she has tried to assure me that Bradley knows when he's had enough and will tell Shaun so. He does have 2 older sisters. But I fear that Shaun feels very powerful with Bradley because he can persuade Bradley to do whatever he wants. That attitude has carried over into home in more ways than one.
We have 2 rules for Shaun when he's playing outside. 1: He has to tell us if he's moving locations. Like, if he's playing in the backyard and wants to head out to bike on the sidewalk he has to tell us; if he's playing outside at Bradley's and they want to head to the park, Shaun has to bike home and tell us first. 2: He is not allowed, for any reason, to ride on the road. Our road is a pretty busy one, Bradley's road is a quiet crescent with virtually no traffic. But there's sidewalks, Bradley's house is on the same side as ours, the park is on the same side as ours, and Shaun's not old enough to be able to accurately judge how far a car is and how quickly he has to move to get out of its way. Last week I took a stroll down to Bradley's house to say hi and bring some freezies. I found Shaun PAST the park and weaving on and off the road using the driveways... in between the cars! I held my cool until we got home so I wouldn't embarass him in front of Bradley (who IS allowed to ride on the road and who nearly got hit by a car doing the exact same things Shaun was doing back in the fall) but once we got home I laid into him about how dangerous what he did was and how scared I would have been had I gone to Bradley's house and not been able to find Shaun there.
On the way home from school today in front of one of his more 'conservative' friends, Shaun asked me if another name for a penis is wanker. Seriously! He spent a few minutes in the bathroom when we got home to remind him of where those words are used. That's been my strategy for Ian (who has been dropping 'bathroom words' like that at the dinner table for weeks and I finally got sick of it). Whether his question was valid or not, he said it with a smirk and knew he was pushing the envelope. I think he wanted to see how far he could push before I snapped.
After school there were a couple more incidents of complete disrespect in the way he was speaking to me and I sent him to his room at 5:15. He came down briefly for dinner, which I made sure he wasn't going to like, and then was back up in his room at 5:30. He's been there ever since and I went in to say goodnight when I brought the Littles to bed.
So, the point of the Japanese maple? One shaking leaf results in a whole branch swaying. My words, actions, tone of voice, attention, everything, it all affects my kids. But I really feel like this new change of behaviour in Shaun stems from me not nipping it in the butt at the very beginning. I let him get away with maybe one saucy or snarky remark only one time and now the whole thing has exploded into a spicy foul-mouthed, rude, disrespectful 5 year old. I don't know what to do and with Craig being at work when everything seems to be at its peak, his words aren't all that helpful the next morning.
My instinct tells me to remove all privileges from Shaun. Everything. And let him earn them back with good behaviour. A respectful day earns him one privilege. One incident of rudeness or disrespect and he loses one privilege for the following day. What are some things I could take away? Riding his bike, his silly bands, special treats like freezies and dessert (when we have it... which would be more often if he couldn't, just so the impact would be greater), playing with Bradley, television, special outings with me or Craig.
The hardest part for me is worrying that the other child affected will be lonely without Shaun or will think its his fault that Shaun can't play today. Would it be wierd for me to explain to Bradley's mom why Shaun can't play? I don't know. This is so difficult! And don't tell me it just gets harder!!
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I have something much more upbeat and heart warming to share about my little terror, Ian. I'll begin by saying that Ian is absolutely THE most difficult child I have ever had to deal with. His toddler impulses are still in full swing at nearly 3 years old and I regularly catch him causing some sort of trouble or making some sort of mess. Today it was him licking the lense of the video camera. Why? I don't know. I wanted to crack him on the head with the camera, I was so angry, but I was worried I'd wreck the camera because he's so hard-headed.
Anyway, when I arrived at the Nursery School to pick Ian up this morning, one of his 3 teachers met me at the entrance to the classroom and said she had something to share about Ian. "Oh no, what did he do now," I thought. This isn't going to be good. Her eyes welled up with tears as she started to tell me about how one of the other teachers set up a playdough table this morning for the children to play at. The table had only 5 spaces at it. When the table opened, many children ran over and Ian was among the first 5 to claim a spot. Well, I guess another little girl didn't get there in time so Ian got up from his spot, walked across the classroom, grabbed another chair, pushed it back to the table, sat down in his own chair, ripped off a chunk of his own playdough and slapped it down in front of the chair he'd just added. Then he said, "here, girl, now you have a spot too!"
My Beaner!! :)
